There is a dark feeling that comes to me this time of moonth. It’s not a bad feeling, but sometimes the darkness surfaces in an ungraceful way.
I used to deny this darkness a voice and either projected it outward, blaming the world for my pain, or directing it inward, riding a depressive downward spiral. This year I am focusing on giving this darkness some airtime, allowing it to surface and be expressed in illuminating and constructive ways. My favorite means of expression tend to come out in color, shape and sound, but this story will also take some words to explain fully.
In a recent visit to an amazing integrative health community clinic in Northeast Portland, I became more attuned to the patterns behind my physical pain. Not just the psychological and physiological patterns, but the shape of the light that my being was expressing. As I described to the intake doctor my symptoms and feelings, I noticed my hands and poetry were describing an image that I drew on the 2nd of January, featured in a past post.
Perhaps my field isn’t actually shaped like this, but it was a perfect metaphor for what’s alive in my body and mind right now. The past 2 years I have spent immersed in a visionary state, imagining the infinite possibilities for life on earth and specifically for how I would express my purpose in this lifetime. A jewel of creative intelligence has begun to crystalize in my crown and mind (represented by the patterned orb). A lense, or semi-permeable membrane seems to be regulating the flow of this luminous energy into the firey pit that is my burning passion for life and creation. I believe that my self-judgements and insecurities are the scratches on the lense. When I left the clinic, I felt that they had opened some space for growth and gifted me new tools with which to polish my lens.
A week went by (during the New Moon) and my emotional landscape was dark, confusing and tumultuous at times. I recalled one of the Integrate body workers asking me if I had been experiencing anger. During the session I denied it, noting that sadness is my default. Later in the week it became apparent that anger was indeed welling up and needed an outlet. Why was I angry? I could point to several reasons, the most present and relevant of which was my resistance to feeling fearful and helpless in the creative process. The victim voice in my head sounded like “none of my projects are working! Art is never going to support me!” It seemed that I was associating my worth and fertility with my physical products. In denying my anger a healthy channel for expression, my heart was tense and guarded making me sensitive to criticism, and my digestion was off balance making it a struggle to process new information constructively and take risks.
For my New Moontime meditation, I reflected on the goals for work that I’ve set out for myself this year. As a “chronic over-achiever” I have a tendency to take on more than I can effectively accomplish leading to overwhelm and burnout. This has manifested in my body as tension in my cervical vertebrae, neck and shoulders. Imagine a person trying to carry too much, or bending over a table for hours at a time. After the New Moon I returned to the Integrate clinic where they kindly gifted an acupuncture treatment recommended qi gong exercises to open up the cervical vertebrae each morning.
Additionally, since moving to the Tryon Life Community Farm four months ago and becoming stimulated with new possibilities for connection and creation, my lower chakras have had their share of imbalance. This has manifested as an empty feeling in my power center, tight sacral vertebrae and hips, and a painful, disturbed menstrual cycle. It seems to be time to ground through newness towards feeling safe, held and integral to the land being that I now call home.
Several night ago, one of our goats miscarried four babies ( :’^( ), an unusually large number for a goat. She seemed to bear the message that if one attempts to carry too much, there is the potential of none of the creations coming fully to term. With deep sadness of their death and four being a very present number in all of my current design projects (including the mandala in the first image!) I took this message to heart. I let down the burden of my creator’s angst and practiced a dying meditation, letting go of the burning need for any of my projects to come into being… Any time soon, that is. It’ll take a lot more practice, of course!
Now, moving towards the first quarter, I am organizing the turbulent, dark learning from the last cycle. In practicing full release of tension, I experience a heightened intuitive guidance towards an integral approach to a thriving creative process (including survival strategies). This guidance prompts a humble request to you for guidance in any form, whether it be a poem, song, story, image or food for thought. Please release your powerful wisdom to the inter-web!